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All my eyes can see is all I know
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|08:33 pm] |
I just re-read, 'The Time Traveler's Wife' by Audrey Niffenegger...If you have not read this book, please do so. seriously.
The first time I read this book, I wrote about it in my livejournal. I wrote, "...it makes me want to find a love that's forever, and relive it a million times over." At that time, Teague and I had been together for about six months. It had also been about six months since John died. It was shortly after my birthday.
I've been living my life for the last year and a half. I have allowed John's death to sink in (although, most of the time, I'm still not sure if I believe he's gone. Maybe he just left, traveled across the ocean. He's sitting at a cafe in Paris, reading a novel and drinking tea), I have watched the love between Teague and I blossom into something new, safe, something like home. I am reliving our love a million times over, every day that I wake up beside him.
Cheesy. Lame. Unrealistic. Opportunistic. Optimistic. Childish. Immature. All words that could describe an outsider's view on what I just wrote, about John, about Teague, about our love. I can't say that Teague and I will be together until the end of our days. I can't say we will be happy and in love and happy forever. but for right now...right now, this is where I am. This is where I need to be. This is where I am safe, I am loved, I am at home. Beside him, with our little dog curled at our feet.
This is my life, and I love every minute of it. |
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| Goodnight my little man.... |
[May. 26th, 2008|07:19 pm] |
So, after a rough weekend, my little lop-eared rabbit, Barry White, passed away in his sleep last night.
Teague and I made him as comfortable as we could, with towels and treats in his cage and lots of love.
Unfortunately, we kind of saw the end coming, by saturday he couldn't hop without falling over.
Saturday morning we took him out into the grass, the sun was shining and the breeze was blowing his fur, and he fell asleep, content.
By Sunday, he could barely get up on his own.
I will miss him. He was my first pet that was solely mine. He lived a good, long life and I hope he looks down on me, from wherever he is, with fond memories.
Teague and I buried him in the forest, said a few words and covered him up. I think he's happy there.
I hope he's happy there.
Goodnight, my little man. Sleep tight....
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2007|01:41 pm] |
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this is the first year that i've been at school where i've actually really tried and made an effort. it makes me feel really good. i got my grades for my first semester, and i have a 3.7 GPA, with 4 A's, 2 B+'s and 1 B. I'm pretty damn proud of myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|12:06 am] |
first post in a long ass time.
so it's midnight-ish. I'm pretty sick. Teague now lives in Toronto, and I texted him and told him how terrible i'm feeling. He calls me right back and tells me that if he leaves now, he can catch the train and come stay over. even though he'll have to leave first thing to go back to toronto to go to work.
love. so incredible love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|01:06 pm] |
can someone please give me a new life.
one with a little bit less frustration and disappointment.
thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|12:49 pm] |
I just finished reading an incredible book, The Time Traveller's Wife.
CLAIRE: This is a secret: sometimes I am glad when Henry is gone. Sometimes I enjoy being alone. Sometimes I walk through the house late at night and I shiver with the pleasure of not talking, not touching, just walking, or sitting, or taking a bath. Sometimes I lie on the living room floor and listen to Fleetwood Mac, the Bangles, the B-52's, the Eagles, bands that Henry can't stand. Sometimes I go for long walks with Alba and I don't leave a note saying where I am. Sometimes I meet Celia for coffee, and we talk about Henry, and Ingrid, and whoever Celia's seeing that week. Sometimes I hang out with Charisse and Gomez, and we don't talk about Henry, and we manage to enjoy ourselves. Once I went to Michigan and when I came back Henry was still gone and I never told him I had been anywhere. Sometimes I get a baby-sitter and I go to the movies or I ride my bicycle after dark along the bike path by Montrose beach with no lights; it's like flying.
Sometimes I am glad when Henry's gone, but I'm always glad when he comes back.
It makes me want to find a love that's forever, and relive it a million times over.
That excerpt is interesting to me; interesting that I found it in this book and read it on this day. It has been a week today since Teague moved in with me.
(Long story short, our apartment building flooded and his room was a makeshift room and the fire department said it wasn't up to code, so he couldn't stay in that room anymore, and then his roomate didn't resign their lease on time so he really did need to find somewhere else to live, so he moved in here with me, for the time being.)
Within our relationship, he was the one that always needed space, and it was I who welcomed closeness. When I asked him if he wanted to come stay with me for awhile, he said that yes, that he'd really like that. It has been a week and I am really beginning to crave being alone. I love coming home to him at the end of my work day, cooking dinner with him, falling asleep to strong arms and kisses and smiles, and waking up in a too warm room to his sleepy curls. It is just harder than I thought it to be, to share a space. I don't by any means want him to leave. I don't like thinking about July when he moves downtown, moves away from me. I don't like thinking of him not being here when I come home. Sometimes it just feels...weird, I guess, to know that I am living with him now. It is an adjustment, that's for sure.
I'm worried that we will get boring. I'm worried that we will fall into routine because that's what i think happens when two people live together. I'm worried that he will get bored with me, when he sees that I really do quite little with myself when i'm not at work, or with him. I don't know how to keep love alive when everyday he sees my dirty laundry and clothes scattered on the floor, dirty dishes balancing on surfaces around my space.
This is all quite new to me and I am already beginning to feel lost. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|04:09 am] |
so i'm pretty sure, right now, i could not be happier.
ya...i really don't think i could. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|01:48 pm] |
yes jared leto, of course i'll marry you. i thought you'd never ask.
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[Jul. 2nd, 2006|05:07 pm] |
umm ya so..i totally have mono.
and it's really a terrible illness.
however i came home from oakville the other day so mum could take care of me and i'm already feeling better! i love mum.
the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|08:14 am] |
Alright, so i'm all moved in here in oakville. It's pretty sweet. it'll be better when chris gets here on saturday, right now it's a little boring. i've already had one random drop-in from my friend joe at 1am last night, it made me smile.
The apartment's looking pretty sweet. I'll take some pictures of it later. my room is kinda in shambles, cause of an internet fiasco, so there's wires running everywhere...hopefully that'll get worked out in the next few days.
I am also really sick. i had a temperature of 99-101 for a week straight, so i went to get some medicine and so that was cool, but iafter 4 days of taking it, it hadnt really done anything, so i got more medicine. my throat is so swollen now, the opening is probably about the size of...a baby spoon, i'd say. not too big. and annoying. being sick is balls.
sooo, yea. i think that's about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|02:53 pm] |
ok so.
i am moving to oakville in a week or so. starting to get scared. very scared. on sunday chris and i are moving all of our furniture and stuff up. i'm sure this year will be a good one...just for the next month or so i'm pretty much screwed money-wise. because i'm just going to be doing training shifts at east side's, which means i'll be making restaurant minimum wage ($6.75), probably short shifts cause i'll be training, and making no tips (because of training). which equals shit money for jill. which is bad news.
( but now i have some pictures. ) |
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[Jun. 8th, 2006|01:45 am] |
i feel like i have a lot to say..and yet i'm having trouble filling a page.
i'm beginning to feel very lost within myself. for the first time in my life, i feel the need to explore myself. because i dont know myself, i haven't 'found' myself. and for whatever reason, this is starting to bother me for really the first time. i have always been content with just cruising along in life, taking what's being given to me, all that jazz. but now, i'm facing moving out, working, NOT being in school full time and a shitload more responsibilty than i have ever been used to. and yet i find myself looking to the same things for comfort...sleep, drawing, and sex. yea. there ya go. i spilled the beans. i am feeling myself slipping back into the destructive mindset that i was in a year and a half (or so) ago..this time i can see it coming..but i still can't figure out how to stop it...aside from just basically staying off my back (insert rolly-eyed emoticon here).
i guess maybe i'm trying to find a purpose...which is hypocritical for me to say, because i've always been semi-against that kind of thinking...i guess i'm just searching around. coming up blank. time and time again. and it makes me not want to try again. one day i'll just give up.
i want to find love again. i want to share my life and my everything with someone. i want to wake up next to someone and look to their sleepy eyes and hair and smile and know that right there is where i want to be. because i haven't had that in too long. i haven't had that security of waking up and looking beside me and being happy. after jeff and i broke up, i went through the phase of waking up and looking to my left, and being disappointed because his face wasn't jeff's..sometimes all this after a dream that it was him. that was the worst.
but i'm done with those thoughts. i'm done with all that. ya, i do get sad about it from time to time still, but that's as far is it goes...a quick thought then it's gone.
i think about how i fucked a lot of things up for myself...i let my sadness of being broken up with affect a potentially really good relationship. in hindsight, i should've never let Alex go. all my posts about not liking him and him not being right...they were mostly me trying to convince myself that because he wasn't jeff, he wasn't good. i was trying to convince myself that i didnt like him, so i could leave room in my mind and in my heart just incase jeff wanted me back...which i knew all along wouldn't happen...but fuck, did i ever wish it would've.
and now, i'm facing moving away. alex and i still talk. we still sleep. except now when i wake up and look to my left, i think of the times with sadness that he could've been mine. that he was mine. that i was too emotionally fucked up to realize how good i had it with him. and now i'm leaving, and i won't get my chance again.
once we were laying on his bed and he was just looking at me with a crooked smile..and i asked what he was thinking, and he was just like, "God...you're so beautiful it hurts sometimes..."
Sometimes life just kicks you in the balls. real hard-like. almost as if to give you a wakeup call, and to remind you that you don't know everthing, and that you dont know what's best, even for yourself. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|12:22 pm] |
I've had a lot on my mind lately.
i had a sweet strees-breakdown at work yesterday. they put me in, on a friday night, with 3 new hosts for 2 hours. they don't know what they're doing and dont listen, and on friday nights you need to know what you're doing cause it gets busy. so i just left them up from by themselves for about 10 minutes while i stood in the back against the wall. i felt like i would explode on anyone that looked at me wrong. been awhile since i felt like that. and then i felt on edge for the rest of the night.
moving in 2 months. still don't have a job in oakville. that's been a huuuuuge factor in my stressed-out-ness for the last little bit. i got my tax return though, so my june rent is already put aside, which is a bit of a relief, to know that's paid for. but still, i need to come up with rent every month. which means job.
jeff is moving to vancouver for the summer. ya, i dont see him all that much now. but at least i have the option. so that's kind of sad. he leaves tomorrow, but he's home (in newmarket) today...i might stop by before i go to work. but if i dont, then i wont see him till september. which is sucky. and he probably wont really have access to the internet out there, cause he'll basically just be sleeping on random couches for 4 months. the thought of it is kind of freaking me out a little bit. people say it'll be good for me, to not see or really talk to him. but i dont think it will be. cause then i just sit around and dream. when i talk to him, things are more real because i see that he has his own life and his doing his own thing. bleh.
alex (boy from work) and i broke things off a little while ago. we talked things out and both decided that we had too much shit to figure out, and just pushing it all to the backs of our minds and trying to be together wasn't really helping either of our situations. we're on good terms though. we still sit and have lunch together if we're off around the same time. we still make each other laugh. but sometimes we look at each other with sad eyes. i think it's a little bit of the old 'dont know what you've got till it's gone' thing. cause he's an awesome, awesome person. the timing is just off.
having said all that...i've really liked this other guy, ryan, for a while. i get all butterflies and all that around him. things between us are just starting up. again though, i dont feel like i can do boyfriend/girlfriend things. neither can he though, he and his girlfriend broke up awhile ago and it was pretty rough on him. we're just hanging out, enjoying each other's company, and just seeing how things go. but again, i'm leaving in 2 months. i dont want to do distance things. call me a quitter, but it's just too hard. and, not to sound mean, but i just dont think that it's worth it. it's not worth my worrying and missing-ness and all that. at least, it hasnt been shown that it's worth it yet. but i'm skeptical.
i just can't get put of this rut i'm in. it's starting to wear me down. |
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stella_luce's journal
